Violence Against Men

From Menletter July 2007

By Tim Baehr

A Shock of Recognition

Violence against men has become so commonplace that we don't think about it much. But without even citing statistics, the briefest list of how extensively men are victimized by violence should lead to a shock of recognition:

· Soldiers in war zones

· Crime victims

· Criminals (injured or killed while being apprehended)

· Inmates (injured, killed, or raped while incarcerated)

· Industrial workers

· Firefighters

· Police officers

· Suicides

Even though I've used gender-neutral terms ("firefighters" instead of "firemen," for instance), I'll bet your mind's eye saw men in these categories.

And then there are the even less obvious instances of violence depicted in fictional accounts like novels and action films. Especially in action films, victims, heroes, and perpetrators alike are mostly men. Sports is another area in which there is a strong expectation of, and acceptance of, violence and potential mayhem: football, hockey, even NASCAR racing.

Forms of violence against men that would be considered mild or even humorous in TV sitcoms wouldn't be tolerated if they were depicted against women: slapping, punching, pinching, and so on.

Another View

Aaron Kipnis, in his first edition of Knights Without Armor, expands on this topic in a discussion of men's needs:

Another arena in which the needs of men have often been disregarded by society is that of the millions of men who are victims of violence every year. In recent years there has been a great deal of attention given to the serious problem of violence toward women in our society. Much of the increase in public awareness about this important issue has been due to the dedicated efforts of feminist activists. Violence toward women is often cited as one aspect of women's oppression and inequality.

And men bear the responsibility for perpetrating the majority of physical violence. But what seems to have been overlooked is that men are also the primary victims of violence in our culture: men make up about 80 percent of all homicide victims, are victims of about 70 percent of all robberies, and make up 70 percent of all other victims of aggravated assaults. Even rape, which is primarily held to be a crime against women, victimizes incarcerated men in numbers matching or exceeding those of free women. The fact that these statistics have apparently been ignored inflames the wounds of men by making their victimization seem less important than women's.

In the Vietnam War, men were killed eight thousand to one over women. In films and television, more than 90 percent of the characters who die are men. In romance novels, written primarily for the entertainment of women, the degradation of men and violence committed against men are such frequently recurring themes that they have inspired more than one writer to dub this form of literature women's pornography.

During a Sally Jessy Raphael talk show on the subject of men who have been victims of violence perpetrated by women, the women in the audience mocked a man who was a victim of his wife's abuse, and they applauded her actions against him. Yet an incident in which a man abuses a woman is almost always perceived as shameful and criminal, regardless of the provocation. Men have at times been known to step in, even at significant risk, to aid a woman being attacked by another man. But it's rare that women, other than police officers, respond in kind on behalf of a man in any kind of danger.

Men die from all causes combined an average of nine years earlier than women. Although death comes to us all, it is a more present reality in the mind of the man who knows it is he, in his role as defender of women and children in a moment of danger, who will be expected to die first if necessary. Women are still rescued first in time of emergency. Many disaster statistics, from homelessness to the sinking of the Titanic to various hostage crises and wars around the world, reveal a disproportionate number of male victims. Men know instinctively, from their biological evolution as hunters, that they are the first to face danger, dismemberment, and sudden, violent death.

Violence against men is a form of entertainment in our culture. Boxing, football, hockey, and car racing often feature men being wounded, maimed, even killed. Although many films depict violence toward women, the physical abuse of women is seldom perceived as funny. Yet a lot of physical comedy is based upon violence toward men. This brand of humor ranges from Abbott and Costello through the Three Stooges right up to numerous recent films that feature the death, dismemberment, or torture of men in supposedly funny ways. The comedy I Love You to Death featured a plot, based on a true story, about the various ways in which a wife and mother-in-law conspired to murder a man. He was a loving father and a hard-working provider who, essentially, loved his wife. They decided he deserved to die because he was habitually unfaithful. Comic violence against men takes on a much larger dimension in films like 48 Hrs, Harlem Nights, Batman, Lethal Weapon, and most Schwarzenegger action films, in which the actor often makes a few gleeful kills in cute ways for occasional comic relief from the more serious gore.

(Tarcher, 1991. Used with kind permission of Aaron Kipnis. The current [2004] edition of Knights Without Armor is available in bookstores and from www.amazon.com. Kipnis's most recent book is Angry Young Men: How Parents, Teachers, and Counselors Can Help "Bad Boys" Become Good Men. Work in progress is about the psychology of poverty.

Dr. Kipnis is core faculty at Pacifica Graduate Institute where he has taught for 9 years. Outside the classroom, Aaron is a featured expert for national news media and an advisor to organizations such as the Little Hoover Commission's Task Force on Youth Crime and Violence, The Center for Psychology and Social Change, The California Youth Authority and The Harvard School of Education.)

And So . . . ?

Are you angry yet? Sad? Discouraged? Or just resigned or cynical: "Yeah, yeah, that's the way it is. What am I supposed to do - launch a campaign? I don't want to be seen as soft. Men are supposed to suck it up and be tough."

Witnessing

My friends Ron and Blase have developed a ten- to twelve-week curriculum for men in prison and are working on a manual to train more prison workers. In their class on Violence, they conduct this witnessing exercise. I invite you to imagine yourself in the room with the inmates as they are guided through this exercise. How many times will you stand up?

Tell the men you will read a series of questions relating to lives we lead as men.

After each question there will be a pause and any man that finds the question true for him will stand up or raise his hand. The men will remain standing or keep their hands raised until you thank them for their honesty and ask them to sit again or lower their hands. This process will hold for all questions. Tell the men that if the question does not pertain to them, to simply sit quietly and witness.

This witness exercise is designed to reveal just how similar we are as men. It also evidences the prevalence of violence in the culture and in our lives.

Questions:

· Have you ever worried you were not tough enough?

· Have you ever exercised to make yourself tougher?

· Have you ever been told not to cry?

· Have you ever been hit to make you stop crying?

· Have you ever been called a wimp, queer, or a fag?

· Have you ever been told to act like a man?

· Have you ever been hit by an older man?

· Have you ever been forced to fight, or been in a fight because you felt you had to prove you were a man?

· Have you ever seen a man you looked up to or respected hit or brutalize a woman emotionally or physically?

· Have you ever been physically injured by another person?

· Have you ever been injured on the job?

· Have you ever been physically injured and hid the pain or kept it to yourself?

· Were you ever sexually abused or touched in a way you didn't like by another person?

· Have you ever stopped yourself from showing affection, hugging, or touching another man because of how it might look?

· Have you ever acted tough?

· Have you ever withheld a kindness or politeness so to appear more manly?

· Have you ever been in the military?

· Have you ever gotten so mad that you drove dangerously fast or lost control of a vehicle?

· Did you ever drink or take drugs to cover your feelings or hide the pain?

· Have you ever felt like blowing yourself away?

· Have you ever hurt another person physically?

· Have you ever hurt another person sexually, or were you sexual with another person when that person didn't want to be?

(Used with permission. For more information on the Menswork program in prisons, write Ron Kearns at rkearns7370@charter.net.)

(I'd add: Have you ever been slapped, hit, pushed, pinched, kicked by a woman? Did you feel it was your duty as a man to "take it"?)

Bringing It Home

One form of violence against men is perhaps the least reported and the least understood: domestic violence.

It has become common knowledge in the US that many women are victims of violence, particularly domestic violence. You may have read the alarming statistics - that 10 to 12 percent of women are victims of domestic violence, or that 20 to 35 percent of women's emergency room visits are due to domestic violence.

These figures and other "statistics" are inaccurate or just plain wrong; see the 2001 article by Bert Hoff: http://www.batteredmen.com/batfact.htm.

It really doesn't matter to me whether 18 or 39 or 50 percent of domestic violence is women against men. It happens, and it shouldn't be tolerated. But you may want to read some of the following resources about domestic violence, compare their accounts with your experience or observation, and draw your own conclusions. I urge you to click on at least one of these links.

Battered Men, a reprint of an article in Pacific Sun:

http://www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/batteredmen.html

Battered Men (many articles, links, and resources):

http://www.batteredmen.com/

Equal Justice Foundation:

http://www.ejfi.org/DV/dv-6.htm

Male Victims of Domestic Abuse:

http://www.pitt.edu/~frieze/maleabuse.htm

Surviving the Memories:

http://www.survivingthememories.com/id67.html

S.A.F.E (Stop Abuse for Everyone):

http://www.safe4all.org/

Male Abuse, a site by Women Against Domestic Violence:

http://www.wadv.org/maleabuse.htm

Taking the Pledge

What can we do as individuals? I propose the following pledge:

· I will commit no violence against another person. The only exception is if my life or another person's life is in danger.

· I will tolerate no violence against myself or the people I love.

· I will teach my children or other young people I'm in charge of that negotiating or walking away from a fight is a sign of strength.

· I will increase my awareness of how violence is used to entertain or to sell products. I will use that awareness in deciding how to spend my time and money.

· I will not support those leaders for whom war is the only or primary means of influencing other nations.

This may feel like we're beating our tiny little fists against the hardened steel of our Big Bad Society. But are we able to take even these first steps? Are we willing?