Teasers

From Menletter March 2010

By Tim Baehr

Teasers: Recommended Reading

Here are some articles I found on the Internet that were entertaining and thought-provoking. Or just provocative.

The Male Brain

From Elle magazine is a review by Diana Kapp of The Male Brain: Why Men Think the Way They Do, by neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine, M.D.

Kapp starts out, "You might want to try to keep your own personal pet caveman in the dark on this one...."

She goes on to observe that Brizendine "scientifically lets guys off the hook for skirt-chasing, conking out after sex, avoiding emotionality—even spending Sundays glued to ESPN."

More: "Brizendine believes that our innate impulses offer only the beginning of self-understanding - but they are also where wise acceptance and a deeper apprehension of the human condition necessarily lie. Her declared intention is to 'create more realistic expectations for boys and men' - not least among their mothers, sisters, and daughters. She also firmly believes that women should stop denying the possibility of innate gender differences...."

You can find the whole article here: http://tinyurl.com/Elle-Brain.

Secret Lives of Married Men

In a highly (and admittedly) unscientific survey, James Delingpole of Times Online (an arm of the London Times) lifts the lid "on modern marriage, while five husbands confess their lies, big and small."

Delingpole gets right down to it in his first paragraph: "Wives, here is a fact you definitely don't want to know about your husband: he wants to shag your best friend. Not only does he want to shag your best friend, but also your second and third-best friends. (And fourth, fifth, sixth, etc.) There's nothing personal about this. In fact, in a strange way, he means it as a compliment."

Then he goes on: "Oh dear, I do wish I hadn't written that paragraph. And I also wish I wasn't about to write the rest of this article either. You see, as a man and a husband myself, I believe there are certain secrets to which the Opposition - ie, women/wives - should never be privy."

Delingpole cites one expert who says that lying is "an extension of man's atavistic hunting-and-fighting instinct; the need to conceal his true intentions to fox his prey/opponent and ward off attack."

With this and other tissue-thin research to back him up, our columnist goes on to reveal a bunch of case histories - lying in general, lying about stuff they bought or gambling losses, lying about infidelities. It's all pretty funny, or grim, depending on your point of view or what you're comfortable lying about. It may say more about Brits than men in other parts of the planet, but I doubt that.

The fact is, we all lie to some people (including ourselves) about some things. The main point of the essay is that being absolutely truthful about everything, especially to spouses, is a formula for pain and punishment. And there's an unspoken agreement, between liar and lied-to, that within certain bounds lying is okay.

Here's the article: http://tinyurl.com/men-lies

Fathers Gain Respect from Experts (and Mothers)

Laurie Tarkan, in the New York Times, acknowledges: "As much as mothers want their partners to be involved with their children, experts say they often unintentionally discourage men from doing so. Because mothering is their realm, some women micromanage fathers and expect them to do things their way."

And: "Uninvolved fathers have long been accused of lacking motivation. But research shows that many societal obstacles conspire against them. Even as more fathers are changing diapers, dropping the children off at school and coaching soccer, they are often pushed aside in ways large and small."

The obstacles can be the above-mentioned micromanagement, or something as simple (and obvious, once you really look) as the fact that "[t]he walls in family resource centers are pink, there are women's magazines in the waiting room, the mother's name is on the files, and the home visitor asks for the mother if the father answers the door," according to Peter A. Cowan, an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley. "It's like fathers are not there."

It's not as though we can go it alone, however, even if we know in our guts that mothering is not fathering and that we have our own ways of doing things. Researchers find that getting mom on board is critical.

As is working as a team. In one study, couples who had one session of parenting information did better as couples than when father-only groups and father-mother groups each had 16 sessions of training and discussion. That doesn't make father-only groups useless: fathers in the father-only group spent more time with their kids, were more active in child-rearing, and were more emotionally involved with their kids.

Here's the full text: http://tinyurl.com/involve-dads.

And here's another take: http://tinyurl.com/mens-voices.