Shameless

From Menletter September 2006

By Tim Baehr

Shameless

One of the most refreshing accusations that have been made against a young man I know is that he is shameless. After a difficult and often lonely youth in which (among many other things) other kids would torment him just to see him volcanically lose his temper, he blossomed in college into a funny, likable, popular young man with a bunch of close friends. One result of the very hard work he did on himself is that he is now more motivated by what he thinks of himself and not by what others think of him. He may not be totally immune to shame, but he comes close. He may not always choose the right course or make the right decision, but his regret quotient is fairly low.

Most of us have heard the rhyming phrases "blame and shame" and "the shame game," possibly from survivor groups or recovery groups. The problem I have with catch-phrases is that they may be fresh at first but quickly lose their flavor - sort of like the end of the second bowl of ice cream. We all grow up with a certain amount of shame that is instilled in us by family, religion, or societal expectations. We're unhappy about being shamed, but the catch phrases run the risk of trivializing the phenomenon.

The Usefulness of Shame

Societies generally like to keep things uniform and on an even keel. While rebels, scalawags, pioneers, and free-thinkers may be occasionally celebrated, they are also often shunned or punished. Shame comes in handy in a society for keeping people in line. Public nudity? For shame! Farting? Look the other way. Anything having to do with sex? Just thinking about it can make some people blush. Belching? Nah, not in polite company. Money? Harder than sex for some people to talk about.

Even everyday happenings can be infused with shame: You eat like a pig. You're lazy. You're inconsiderate. You dress funny. You talk funny. You're different. You don't fit in. You're a dork. You're a wallflower. You're shallow.

All of these big chunks and little bits of shame are aimed, I think, at enforcing social norms. Many, perhaps most, of the social norms are seen as absolutes. But different societies may value different things. Belching, for instance, is seen in some societies as a compliment to the cook. In some societies, sex and sensuality may be seen as natural and no big deal, or even celebrated.

The rules vary even among sub-groups in a society. Men can do and talk about certain things among ourselves, but not in "mixed" or "polite" company. Same with women.

Another thing that can make us feel shame is insulting or hurting another person. Even when this hurt is unintentional, we feel horrible and get down on ourselves as bad people. That, or we get defensive and try to rationalize or justify our way out of the shame.

If Not Shame . . .

What would it be like to lead a truly shameless life? Would it be all that wonderful to disregard what others think of us? Would we feel free to be totally selfish, regardless of how we might hurt other people? No? What would stop us, if not for real or anticipated shame? And what would motivate us to do the right things in life?

If we have no shame, what do we have to make us decent human beings? There are positive motivations for some things. We feed and take care of our babies and children because doing so gives us pleasure, and because we feel responsible for their lives. We work and often try to do a good job because we're being paid and because of the prospect of a raise or promotion. There are some negative motivations, too. We obey traffic laws because we don't want to wreck our cars or get hurt. If we clean up after ourselves, it may be because we don't want to live in a pig sty. If we try to eat right, it may be to avoid obesity or poor health.

What about other matters, such as how we treat other people? If we can't or won't be shamed into following the norms of society, do we just plow ahead with our own agenda, disregarding everyone and everything?

I return to the young man I mentioned at the beginning. He does occasionally irk those around him with what seems to be inconsiderate or rude behavior. Often this is just flouting the norms of a society that has given him more than his quota of shame. Sometimes it is his commitment to having fun, often at the expense of getting "real" work done, even when others are depending on him.

There's another side to him, however, a kind of profound decency. He has deep compassion and empathy for people, especially those who are vulnerable or hurting because they're different. His understanding of emotional pain goes beyond his 20 years on this planet. Even in his teens, when he was a summer camp counselor, he had a special ability for dealing with misbehaving 10-year-olds whose bad behavior arose out of this kind of pain, and who had been shamed as a result. Memories of his own pain at that age allowed him to show these kids a level of acceptance they hadn't experienced. He has a collection of friends now who are not total misfits but who are definitely not conventional either. And the operating phrase for much of their devotion to each other is "We've got each other's backs." This is not physical protection so much as it is mutual emotional and psychological support.

Then . . . What?

The driving force of decent people who have eschewed or abandoned shame seems to be compassion. It may take the rest of our lives to wipe out the shame we've accumulated so far. But (since shame has been useful at times in making us good citizens in our society), we need a replacement. Compassion is a good candidate.

We can feel bad about hurting someone. If the bad feeling comes from shame, we may or may not feel compelled to change our behavior. In fact, shame can be a doorway to self-justification and rationalization to reduce our shame - while doing nothing about the pain we have inflicted. If the bad feeling comes from compassion, we are feeling the other person's hurt as our own. To reduce our pain, we have to reduce the other person's pain.

As for social niceties that may irritate other folks but not really hurt them, the unconditional innocence of youth is a worthy goal - before our "will," "shall," and "can" were replaced by the conditional and often guilt-ridden "would," "should," and "could" of conventional adulthood.

Questions

Here are some questions I've asked myself over the years:

● Do I act out of shame or compassion?

● Is my natural shyness confounded with shame about who and what I am?

● Does shame drive me to be polite and nice to people?

● Does my socialized politeness hide a vicious streak?

● How strongly do I need other people's approval to feel good?

● What would it look like to put a little more shamelessness in my life?