How to Start a Men's Group

From Menletter November 2002

By Tim Baehr

So there you are, sitting in splendid isolation, wishing you could be in a group. Maybe you're like I was, living from year to year to go to an annual retreat.

Here are some ideas for getting a group together. They're not the only way to do it; whole books have been written. But I hope a general outline will be helpful.

Kinds of groups

What kind of group do you want? Unless you're eager to take pot-luck, it's a good idea to give this some serious thought. At least initially, you should have some focus for the group: drumming, poetry, mythology, neighborhood cleanup, Bible reading, book club, film club, spirituality, mythopoetic movement, men's rights, fatherhood....

Getting the group together

This may look like the hardest part. It's hard enough with guys you know, and even harder with strangers.

Figure out who you want in the group. You can start with as few as three. I wouldn't make the list too big at first--maybe six or seven. Make some phone calls or send some e-mails.

If you don't have anyone in mind, see if you can find members from within another group you belong to. This could include your church or synagogue, a preschool parents' group, the guys at work or the gym.

If you're "recruiting" guys you know, you probably have some shared experiences and vocabulary for describing what you're up to. They may be more than ready to come to a drumming and poetry circle, a men's mythology group, a men's rights group, a fathers-of-toddlers group, or whatever.

Perhaps you don't already know the guys, in which case you may want to keep things more general --or be quite specific, perhaps even using some terms like "mythology" or "mythopoetic." The more specific you are, the more you're effectively doing a pre-screening. This has its downside--you may say something that would turn off a man who would otherwise be a great member of your group.

Give only a phone number, not your name or address, and invite men to call for further information.

First meeting

What you do at your first meeting depends on who's in the group. If it's a bunch of men you know, you may be able to plunge right in with ritual and a "program." In most cases, however, it's a good idea to start out slowly. Here are some first activities to get you started.

1. Welcome statement. Thank the men for coming and introduce yourself briefly. Tell the group the purpose for the meeting.

2. Check-in. Go around the group and have men introduce themselves: name, what brought them to the meeting, where they are currently with respect to the meeting's purpose. Encourage the men to be brief and not to interrupt anyone.

3. Opening ritual. Obviously, this depends on the purpose of the group. But an opening ritual can set the tone for the meeting and for the group. Ritual is pretty much a wide-open area. It could include any of the following, and more:

· Lighting a candle

· Burning incense

· Smudging the room and the men

· Reading a poem, brief essay, Bible verse, etc.

· Singing a song

· Moment of silence

· Brief guided meditation

· Saying or leading a prayer

· Inviting ancesters to enter the circle

Ritual is very important! It is a signal that your group has set aside a place and time outside of ordinary, everyday places and everyday times. (This is sometimes called sacred space, but usually without the religious overtones.)

4. Ground rules. Just a few "rules" will make things go smoother and prevent misunderstandings (or worse). Just about any group could benefit from your mentioning these:

· There will be no personal attacks, verbal or physical.

· Men will take turns talking, but no one should dominate the conversation.

· No alcohol or drugs may be offered or consumed.

· No man should arrive at the meeting under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

· Radical Freedom: There will be no pressure for a man to do anything he doesn't want to.

· Any sensitive personal information stays inside the group.

5. Activity. Do what your group was set up to do: Discuss the book, get out the drums, clean up the neighborhood, view a video, plan an outing with your children, read some poetry, and so on. You may find that you have to provide some kind of program for this first meeting until other men are in a position to contribute. If you're doing this with another man or two, you can do a dog-and-pony show to get started.

6. Miscellaneous. You may want to plan a break, time for refreshments, general milling about.

7. Processing. If it's appropriate, you might get the men in a circle to share what they're experiencing. Establish a time limit and make sure every man who wants to speak has a turn.

8. Contact information. Be sure you have every man's phone number or e-mail address. Make sure the men know how to contact you.

9. Closing ritual. Extinguish the candle. Read a poem. Have a moment of silence. Release the ancestors.

Ongoing meetings

Subsequent meetings can follow the pattern of the first meeting, perhaps without the welcome and recitation of the ground rules. The check-in can omit the names and backgrounds unless you have new members.

Don't let the meeting agenda turn into an orthodoxy. Remain flexible to new ideas and new rituals. If a man comes up with a different way to do something, be inclined to let it happen. At our most recent drumming and poetry group, a man asked if he could lead us on a walking meditation. We all went outside and walked slowly and silently around the grounds, contemplating nature's beauty and being alone--and together--with our thoughts. We didn't read as much poetry that afternoon, but we were performing poetry of a different kind.

Spreading the word, welcoming newcomers

One sure way to kill a group is to have a distinction between the old guard and newcomers. Every new man should feel welcomed and a part of the group. Although there may be men who do more of the planning and help lead the meetings, there should never be a sense that there's an inner circle.

Resolving conflict

In my experience, conflict has rarely arisen in groups of men who meet with intention. But there are some useful ways to deal with conflict if it arises. I've seen something like the following used very successfully.

1. If two men are in conflict and anger--or worse--is erupting, stop everything. Whatever stage the meeting is in, this is more important.

2. Have the two men sit down as you go over a few points before anything further takes place. If one or both men can't agree to the steps, use your judgment: You may want to ask one of the men to leave the group, at least temporarily, until things cool off. Everyone--the men in conflict and the men in the group--should feel safe.

· Everyone sits down except the two men in conflict. No one other than those two men may say or do anything except witness what is going on.

· The men stand in front of each other, about four or five feet apart.

· Each man may choose another man to stand in back of him. This "backer" has no role other than to be present. He says and does nothing.

· The man with the grievance speaks first. You may want to have him hold a talking stick to indicate his right to speak. He states what his grievance is, preferably in sentences beginning with "I": "I felt angry when you ...." for instance. Personal attacks and speculations are forbidden regarding the other man's ancestry, looks, ethnicity, motives, physical or psychological state, morals, and so on. The grievance must focus on the facts a specific event. The man may conclude by making a request of the other man.

· The second man listens and must say nothing while the first man speaks. When the first man has finished, the leader takes the talking stick, if any, and hands it to the second man.

· The second man has several options at this point. He may simply say, "Thank you." He is under no obligation to explain or apologize, though he may do so. He may ask for factual clarification. Under no circumstances is he to begin a new grievance against the other man.

· When the second man is finished, the leader takes the talking stick (if any) and the men sit down.

3. Now go through the steps. Don't rush the process. The whole thing may take anywhere from fifteen minutes to an hour.

4. If possible and appropriate, immediately go on to the previous or next activity of your meeting.

Scheduling meetings

I've been to monthly meetings, and I've been to annual retreats. Annually is not conducive having an ongoing men's group; monthly can sometimes feel like a burden. The drumming and poetry group I'm in right now feels about right at every six to eight weeks. Obviously, it's up to you.