Defining Men

From Menletter October 2003

By Tim Baehr

Men are hierarchical, competitive loners; and women are cooperative and into relationships, right? That's at least the traditional definition I've heard.

But have you ever watched a crew of men building something? This summer and fall I've been watching a road crew dig up and re-lay a major sewer system. Each man seems to have a role, and the coordination and teamwork are inspiring to watch. I saw another crew build a new dock on the river during the summer. Same thing on a smaller scale: five or six men carrying lumber, measuring, holding boards in place while someone else nailed them down.

I can't see these kinds of things and conclude that men aren't into cooperation and relationships. They simply express them differently.

It's a matter of bringing a positive view of men into the definition.

We also might want to have a second look at how we define some other things, like men's nurturing, feelings, communication, and commitment. If we see only the traditional definitions of how we do these things, we come up short. I think we should know better.

If we nurture - by providing for our families, for instance, or maintaining our families' homes - are we lacking as nurturing men - or are we nurturing in a different but valuable way? (If we do the cooking, care for a sick pet, sit all night at the bedside of a sick child, are we showing our feminine side - or just being nurturing men?)

If we have deep feelings but act on them and don't talk about them, are we lacking in emotion - or just being contained?

If we communicate through body language, a few well-chosen words, and an occasional grunt, are we uncommunicative - or just being brilliantly concise and efficient?

If we keep our promises, show up at work every day, and use the money we earn to pay the family's mortgage and groceries, are we afraid of commitment - or showing commitment in a different way?

You can probably think of more and better examples and definitions. We don't have to accept traditional notions about men. We can start our own traditions.

A final thought: Let's not be shy about celebrating our good qualities on our own terms. I'd be willing to bet that women prefer men in this order: 1. assertive and good, 2. assertive and bad, 3. wishy-washy (dead last!). I really am not advocating the second option. Just remember the words to the old song: Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, and don't mess with Mister In-Between.