When our commitment and love seem invisible - a man objects to his wife's ignoring him

A Little Appreciation?

From Menletter January 2005

By Tim Baehr

Another Skirmish in the War of the Sexes

I recently ran across the following article in the "Best of Craigslist" section of www.craigslist.com. See if any of it hits home with you. Comments follow.

To my wife:

We have two small kids. You constantly complain (albeit jokingly) to everyone that will listen that I don't lift a finger to help you around the house. I emphatically disagree, and I'm hurt that you don't notice or appreciate what I do to make your life easier.

I work a full-time job while you stay home (yeah, I know, that's a full-time job too and I appreciate that so shut your yapper and let me finish my point). When I come home after working 8 stressful hours for an asshole boss and then sitting in traffic for another hour with nothing to listen to on the radio but the same Black Eyed Peas song played over and over again on every goddamn station, I appreciate that you've taken care of the kids all day, so I really do make a conscious effort to let you rest.

I clear the dinner table. I wash the dishes. I get the kids ready for bed. I brush their teeth and I tuck them in. When they need something, I get up to help them. I put out the trash. I put out the recyclables. I fold the laundry when it needs to be done - I'd even do a few loads if you'd ask me to. I pick up the kids' toys and put them away. I sweep up my toenail clippings. I make sure that when I shave, I don't leave little hairs all around the sink. I keep the shower curtain inside the tub when I shower to help keep the bathroom clean. I sit down to pee so the seat is always down, there are never any pubes on the rim and no pee drips on the floor. I replace the toilet paper when it runs out. I go to the supermarket when asked to buy your tampons. I mow the lawn. I clean out the fireplace. I rake the leaves. I put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher. I sweep the street. I give the kids baths. I shovel the snow. I replace the paper towels in the kitchen when they run out. I clean the garage. I make the beds when I first notice they are not done yet. I lift the couches for you when you vacuum. I give you backrubs at your request. I always make sure there is gas in the cars. I clean out the gutters. I put away my clean laundry. I sweep the patio. I replace the sponge in the kitchen when it starts to smell. I get the seasonal clothes down from the attic. I trim the hedges. In the summer, I don't mind heating up leftover pasta because you and the kids are still at the beach with the other moms and kids after I've worked all day and you've ordered a pizza to eat at the beach for yourselves. I help the kids with their homework. I read to them. I set the clock on the VCR. I make sure that after I wack off in the shower I wash it down the drain. I put out the kids' cereal for them the night before so you don't have to get up and get them breakfast in the morning. I load the film in the camera because you can't figure it out. I rub your feet when you ask me to. I change the battery in the smoke alarm. I program all the channels on all the TVs. I get the plunger when your hairy dump has clogged the toilet. When I blow my nose in the shower, I make sure no snot gets on the curtain. I take off my shoes when I come in the house to keep the floors clean. I clean out the expired items from the fridge. I make mixed music CDs for you. I do all the required heavy lifting.

I make every effort a guy could make to not subject you to living in the kind of filth a man's natural instincts would allow us to live in. And yet, your perception is that I do nothing. Then you treat me like you're doing me a favor after I have to beg for sex (I won't even mention that I haven't had a blowjob in about ten years) . . . and I still continue to show you affection, pay you compliments and tell you "I love you" (I haven't heard that phrase from you without the word "too" at the end of it in many, many years).

I just wanted to take this time to say thank you for appreciating me, and Merry f***ing Christmas.

Love,

Your husband

Comments

I tried to get in touch with the author for reprint permission, but his e-mail bounced back as undeliverable. My apologies to him if he ever finds out I borrowed his stuff. For now, his letter is anonymous (and he'd probably want to keep it that way).

By this man's account, his explicit (getting the kids to bed, trimming the hedges) and implicit (keeping his snot off the shower curtain, not peeing on the toilet rim) acts of love and commitment are barely noticed, if at all. We have no way to know all the particulars about this man, his wife, or their marriage. He may have some other qualities that make him less than desirable to his wife. She may have some resentment about having given up a promising future in the business world. They both may have expectations about life, and each other, that are out of synch with reality. But let's just take the words and observations as presented.

I suspect that most of us men can find, mixed in with the wry humor of this letter, little barbs of truth. Relationships of any kind can evolve over time into such a level of comfort and routine that both members become more or less blind to their mutual contributions to the enterprise. Things drift along for a while with each person feeling less and less appreciated and more and more invisible.

Sometimes there are fights, often about something unrelated to the real issues ("We're not going to your mother's again?!!"). Sometimes there's just silence, as each person feels an uneasy resentment and the relationship itself begins to suffer the death of a thousand cuts. Our writer posted his hurt feelings on a "Rants and Raves" section of the Craig's List website. Did he also share the letter, or the essence of its contents, with his wife?

Remedies?

What could this man, or any of us, do when faced with this underappreciation and invisibility? I think there are several areas where we might improve things. Although I concentrate on marriage, you may be able to imagine how these things could apply elsewhere.

First, I was struck by a phrase early on in the letter: ". . . what I do to make your life easier." A small change in wording could change a lot of the letter's perspective: ". . . what I do to make our life easier." It's not all just for her. This couple has a life together. Some of us may need to think more about what we do for the whole enterprise and not just what we do for our partner. And this adjustment may lead to the second area.

Second, I wonder if the man could make a similar list of what his wife does to make their life easier. Does he acknowledge all the large and small things she does as wife and mother and home-keeper? Or is she also becoming invisible? Even with an asshole boss and two hours of daily commuting, can we afford to be so tired we don't notice that the dinner is hot and tasty, the house is clean, the kids are fed, the mail has been sorted, the garden has been weeded, and so on? And having noticed, do we comment and offer praise?

Even if the praise sounds hollow at first (especially if we're a bit rusty at it), it can become a good habit: "You look nice today." "I always like your lasagna." "Did you plant some new flowers?"

We may discover that, having modeled this behavior, we get noticed in return: "The hedges look great." "Thanks for replacing the toilet paper." Just don't expect credit for everything: "I love not seeing your snot on the shower curtain."

Third, a little PR or self-promotion doesn't hurt. Not that we have to tout everything we do for our partner or family. But if we want to get noticed, sometimes we have to make ourselves noticeable. "I folded the laundry while you were out." "The dishwasher's empty." "I'm going to trim the hedges this Saturday." "How did you like the CD I made for you? Any special requests for the next one?"

Fourth, there's usually room for improvement in making direct requests. In most relationships, our mutual mind-reading abilities begin to decay as soon as the courtship is over and we move in together or get married. Direct requests run the risk of being turned down, but it's almost a sure thing that nothing will happen without them: "Let's get a sitter and have a romantic dinner on Friday." "I got the kids a play date with the Smiths. I want to spend the afternoon in bed with you - naked." "We need some play time together. I'm calling in sick tomorrow." "I want you to initiate sex sometimes." "I want you to notice more of the things I do for us."

Resolutions

It's a new year. Here are some things to consider for the next several months in our relationships, intimate and otherwise:

1. Think partnership.

2. Notice good things and praise them.

3. Do some self-promotion.

4. Make direct requests.

Let's see what happens.

Epilogue

On January 16, the Boston Globe Magazine published an article, "Gen X Dad," about men who are seriously involved in family life. These men are apparently not invisible or underappreciated. Here's the tag line from the article: "Luxury vacations, fast-track careers, and bigger houses used to be a priority for family men, but no longer. Today's young fathers are taking paternity leaves, rejecting overtime, and rushing home after work to do all the things many of their own fathers didn't."

The Globe posts articles from the magazine for about a month. For the next couple of weeks you can read the article for free before it goes into the magazine's pay-to-see archives. Go here:

http://www.boston.com/news/globe/magazine/articles/2005/01/16/gen_x_dad?mode=PF