I just read an
excellent book that I want to recommend to any old geezers out there who may be
interested in learning more about health for middle aged men. The book is "Facing Your Fifties: A Man's Reference Guide to Mid-Life
Health" by Ehlers & Miller and published in 2002.
It covers just
about every health related question you may have (or haven't thought of yet).
Russell Gardner
I just wanted
to thank you for another wonderful Menletter. I think you are providing us with
a very valuable resource. You manage to touch my heart (not easy to do by
email!) and also give me very practical information.
I want to share
with you this story about a little outreach I've done:
I recently
spoke to a class of undergraduates at Johns Hopkins University, in a Queer and
Feminist Theory class offered by the Anthropology Dept. The woman who teaches
the class has a son in the same kindergarten class as my son. When she heard I
had attended some men's events, she was very intrigued and asked if I would
speak to her class about my experiences.
I agreed, with
the stipulation that I would not be set up as any kind of expert on the men's
movement, but merely as one man describing his experiences at men's retreats.
The talk was extremely well received (there were four men and about 10 women in
the class). Several of the students stayed beyond the end of the scheduled
class time, to ask more questions and discuss. I also read to them one of my
poems, inspired by my men's work.
At the outset
of my presentation, I had the students use a talking stick, to try to create
just a little of the atmosphere of a men's circle. I asked them to answer the
question: "What do you think happens at a men's retreat?" in just a sentence
or two. Then I asked them to answer the question "What would you LIKE to
see happen at a men's retreat?" The answers were very
interesting. I
used them as a jumping-off point for discussing my own experiences, and what I
had seen other men experience there.
One man who was
especially intrigued -- and asked several questions -- has since decided to
attend a men's weekend and write about it as a special studies project. I was
also invited back to speak to a lunchtime brown-bag group of faculty and students
in the Anthro. Dept. I'll be doing that next week, along with Mark Knight (who
helped me design the format for my presentation to the students).
I have also
been asked to speak to a student group that is some sort of alliance between
gay and straight students at JHU, although the students haven't followed up
well on this invitation as yet.
I offer this
story as an example of what a little bit of outreach can lead to. I couldn't
have anticipated such a positive response.
I also want to
mention that when the teacher and the intrigued student asked for more
information about men's work, I forwarded to them all of your previous
Menletters. They were extremely impressed with them.
Again, I feel
blessed to receive such a great newsletter. Thanks so much for all your fine
work.
Blessings to
you, and I hope our paths cross again someday. If not, I feel with you in
spirit.
Leo Horrigan
Got the
Christmas blues? Commercialism got ya down -- whether you're a Christian or not?
Wondering how to get through to Valentine's Day without the extra weight --
physical and psychological?
Ironically, as
lonely as this time of year can make you feel, you have lots of company in your
loneliness. The pop psych folks have lots of advice at this time of year: lower
your expectations, don't drink too much, don't try to work out interpersonal
problems at family gatherings, get enough rest, do charity work, count your
blessings, blah, blah, blah.
And the
Scrooges of the world grumble "Bah, humbug" and slog on through their
chilly days, with chilly souls.
Well, maybe
Scrooge is right.
The forced
merriment, obligatory spending, cheesy decorations, and useless gadgets could
put lots of people into a funk. (In what other season of the year to you see
motorized tie racks?)
A lot of the
advice seems to be based on the idea that you can think your way out of that
holiday funk, but that just blames the victim: we ought to feel better, and we
have to do the mental and emotional heavy lifting to get there.
Humbug indeed.
Maybe we need something more radical.
Let's
acknowledge the holiday season for what it has become, at least in much of the
English-speaking world: a largely secular season patched together mostly from
ancient pagan and Christian customs, with an overlay of Victorian England. The
gift-giving, special foods, decorating, and family visits can all be seen as a
legitimate part of the secular holiday. And we can enjoy it for that. Without
the sentimentality and the "ought-to" mentality, the season snaps
into focus: It's a time to remember friends and family, to ponder a new birth
in either a god-child or in the turning of the Winter solstice. So, maybe we
really can be in charge of how much we spend, eat, drink, visit, entertain --
and discover that we can enjoy the season on those terms.
Here's an idea:
Give yourself some Christmas or Solstice presents.
First feed your
soul. Set aside a quiet day, or some quiet moments each day. Just sit and do
absolutely nothing. You don't even have to pray. What you're doing is a form of
waiting. For Christians, the period befor Christmas is called Advent, which is
a time of waiting and preparation. The great thing about these quiet moments is
that you don't have to be waiting for anything. You're just creating a quiet
zone in which new thoughts or spiritual experiences can arise.
Feed your body.
Give yourself one physical thing that would delight your soul: a special food
or meal; a professional massage; a beautiful sweater. You don't even need to wait
until December 25.
Imagine the
amount of love involved in feeding your soul and body. And, having gotten some
very nice gifts, you can let your love overflow into gifts for others.
Soul: Give
"soul" gifts -- a prayer, a smile, a bit of courtesy, a "random
act of kindness." People don't even have to know you're giving anything to
them.
Body: Delight
your family and friends with gifts of
beauty or utility. You don't have to expect anything in return because the you
have already given yourself the best gifts. And although you may not be able to
give extravagantly, you can give with an extravagant heart.
I've been a fan
of the newspaper's daily comics almost since I could read, starting with the
Cleveland Plain Dealer, then the Detroit Free Press, the Ann Arbor Daily News,
and now the Boston Globe. Over the years, I've noticed more and more how men
are depicted. I have no idea how much influence the comics have on boys and
their perception of men and manhood. But there are enough differences that I
thought it would be useful to describe them and rate them on male-friendliness
(1 = most friendly, 3 = neutral, 5 = least friendly).
Here's a
sampling from the Globe.
Doonsbury
These boomers and
their kids have worn well over the years. Mike Doonsbury is a middle-aged
ex-dot-commer in a second marriage to a much younger woman. Much of the humor
is political or social, usually with no particular emphasis on men or women's
issues. On the other hand, the strip isn't actively hostile to men. Rating: 2.
Dilbert
The characters
in Dilbert are cynical and of various degrees of cluelessness. The
pointy-haired boss is everyone's nemesis; his obtuseness is probably exceeded
only in real-life bosses. Dilbert has a decent work ethic and a sense that his
work matters; he is often thwarted by the pointy-haired boss. Wally is simply
cynical, doing the least work possible and knowing that anything more is simply
futile. Of the female characters, Alice is most like Dilbert, but with a
pro-feminist mean streak (often justified by circumstances). Rating: 3.
Fox Trot
The Fox family
consists of a dad, Roger, a mom, and three kids (a teenage boy and girl, and a
preteen boy). Roger is portrayed as a nebbishy presence in the family,
inveigling his wife and kids into playing chess with him (he always wins, and
the family members vie to see how fast they can lose). He seems to have no
useful relationship with his sons and daughter, and his wife is the brains of
the family. I detect a nasty edge of hostility in the humor. Almost everyone in
the strip is held up to ridicule at one time or another. Rating: 5.
Garfield
Garfield is a
lazy, selfish cat who torments a dog named Odie. His master is Jon Arbuckle, a
bachelor loser who can't get a date, can't get his pets to behave, can't pick
out decent things to wear, and so on. His shortcomings as a man are played for
laughs. Rating: 5.
Adam @ Home
Adam is a
stay-at-home dad with a home business. He's the primary caretaker of two
school-age kids and a toddler. He often sits for other kids. Adam is addicted
to coffee and gets most of his exercise chasing the FedEx truck. He and his
wife clearly love each other in spite of the fact that he's a stereotypical
slob and indifferent housekeeper. He's a pretty effective dad. Rating: 4.
For Better
or for Worse
This strip is
mostly about Ellie, the mom, and her family. The dad, John, is a dentist, and
the son, Michael, is a writer and new father. This is a slice-of-life strip,
quite realistic in reporting family events. John has a fascination with
electric trains and an old car he has bought. (For a while, he was driving a
snazzy sportscar as a mark of his midlife passage.) He helped finance a gas
station/garage for Gordo, a classmate of Mike's, and remains actively
interested in Gordo's success. A few years ago another of Mike's friends came
out as gay, and the strip handled the entire episode with a rare blend of
sensitivity and humor. Rating: 1.5.
Get Fuzzy
Rob is the
owner and companion of a vicious snaggletooth cat named Bucky and a sweet, dumb
dog named Satchel. The animals talk in this strip, and the humans all
understand them. The humor turns mostly on the interplay among the animals and
between the animals and Rob and a few of his friends. Rob, an advertising
copywriter, clearly loves his pets and is very nurturing underneath his
sarcasm. There's not much opportunity in the strip to explore men's issues, but
Rob is clearly portrayed in a positive way. Rating: 2
Non Sequitur
Danae's a hip
little Asian girl who manipulates her adoptive (presumably single-parent) dad
and is currently running an on-line advice column from her computer. Dad is
pretty indulgent with her but sometimes has to put his foot down. The
interactions between them are portrayed with humor that puts neither of them in
a bad light. The strip also portrays skirmishes in the gender wars with
"What she said/What he heard" and vice-versa. Rating: 2.
Rose is Rose
Rose and Jim
Gumbo have a little boy, Pasquale, whom they adore. They also adore each other,
even though Jim would prefer Rose to have a little more meat on her bones. Jim
wears a baseball cap, is passionately in love with Rose, and clearly loves
Pasquale. Pasquale looks up to him and believes almost everything he says. Jim
sometimes teases Pasquale, but with a fatherly gentleness. Although this strip
is mostly about Rose, Jim gets a fair amount of ink. Rating: 1.
Zits
This is a strip
about teenage angst. Jeremy, 15, has two parents who have him mostly figured
out, but who often mystifies them. Dad is an orthodontist who has installed the
braces of most of Jeremy's friends. He does the family laundry. He's not afraid
to put his foot down with Jeremy, but sometimes his foot ends up in his mouth.
Mom is not portrayed as smarter or wiser than the guys. The stuff that happens
in this strip is broadly portrayed but rings true (we occasionally clip an
episode to post on our 16-year-old son's bedroom door). Rating: 1
Stone Soup
This is mostly
about two sisters, their mother, and their kids. One of the sisters has a young
son and is in a second marriage to a man who's also been married before. The
story line has gone through the courtship and the blending of the two families
(dad has a teenage nephew living with them). The other sister is dating a
police officer who's a little skittish about taking on her daughters. The men
in this strip are realistically portrayed as thoughtful, loving men. Humor
centered on them is never nasty; their shortcomings never make them out as
clueless assholes. Rating: 1
Curtis
Curtis is the
11-year-old star of an urban black family. Greg, the dad, works at the bureau
of motor vehicles but takes the bus to work. He's an overweight smoker with a
bad back and a bit of a temper. But he loves his family deeply and gives the
impression that he would gladly sacrifice anything for their happiness. He's
savvy about Black history and often reminds his sons about important figures in
the civil rights movement, the arts, and so on. Rating: 1
Jump Start
Joe and Marcy
are a mixed couple (he's Black, she's Caucasian). Joe's a cop and Mercy's a
nurse. They have a school-age daughter and a toddler son. Joe loves his SUV and
his family. The men in this strip are regular guys, but the humor sometimes
plays on male stereotypes. Rating: 3.
Arlo and
Janis
I have to admit
that this is my favorite by far. Arlo and Janis are probably late Boomers doing
the gender dance with wit and humor. Arlo has a lot of the Trickster in him,
sometimes much to the consternation of Janis ("It must be really weird to
be a man!"). But she has a bit of trickster, too -- teasing Arlo about his
obsession with sailboats, for instance. Most of the time they have an
easy-going, loving relationship. Gene, the teenage son, makes only cameo
appearances at this point, but interactions between him and Arlo seem genuine
and not stereotyped. Rating: 1.
Bottom
line: I doubt
that the strips are having any profound effect on how society views and treats
men. But I get a lot of entertainment, and sometimes even inspiration, out of
the good ones. The bad ones, especially Garfield and Fox Trot, are sharp
reminders of how easy it is to put down men in a world where "humor"
about women or minorities would lead to impassioned protests.
Copyright
notice
All original
materials are (c) Copyright 2002 by Tim Baehr. All rights reserved. All signed materials
are copyright by their respective authors.
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Personal
correspondence:
Tim Baehr
tbaehr@aol.com