I have to say
again that our drumming circles are not just about drumming and poetry--these
are merely vehicles to get us moving. Look, I don't know if it's this way for every
man, but for me there's magic when men gather together with intention; the
magic is in being received and accepted by other men. Few of us are close
friends outside the drumming group, but we are all close when the group is
together. We all share what each man brings: There's the food, of course, but
also the thoughts, emotions, struggles, victories, failures. I feel fed by all
of this. Other men's joy fills me up, but so does helping them bear their pain.
Where does
drumming and poetry come in? On the simplest level, men are doers. If we got
together just to sit around, there could be long, embarrassing silences. On a
deeper level, we all need ritual to wake up our souls. Shared insights,
victories, failures, and so on, go deeper into our souls when they're framed by
ritual. And our souls are where the work is done, where change begins. (It
doesn't matter how we define "soul"; for me it includes our inner
essence, our true selves.)
But we practice
radical freedom at these circles: a man can just come and sit and simply enjoy
being with other men. I've found myself drumming less lately and just
listening.
I know Harvard
is a long way to go for a Sunday afternoon. I enjoy the drive from Boston as a
way to decompress, enjoy the scenery, create a transition from one system of
time and space to another. But it is a long way. If you come, I think you'll
find that it's also very close--to your heart.
So there you
are, sitting in splendid isolation, wishing you could be in a group. Maybe
you're like I was, living from year to year to go to an annual retreat.
Here are some
ideas for getting a group together. They're not the only way to do it; whole
books have been written. But I hope a general outline will be helpful.
Kinds of
groups
What kind of
group do you want? Unless you're eager to take pot-luck, it's a good idea to
give this some serious thought. At least initially, you should have some focus
for the group: drumming, poetry, mythology, neighborhood cleanup, Bible
reading, book club, film club, spirituality, mythopoetic movement, men's
rights, fatherhood....
Getting the
group together
This may look
like the hardest part. It's hard enough with guys you know, and even harder
with strangers.
Figure out who
you want in the group. You can start with as few as three. I wouldn't make the
list too big at first--maybe six or seven. Make some phone calls or send some
e-mails.
If you don't
have anyone in mind, see if you can find members from within another group you
belong to. This could include your church or synagogue, a preschool parents'
group, the guys at work or the gym.
If you're
"recruiting" guys you know, you probably have some shared experiences
and vocabulary for describing what you're up to. They may be more than ready to
come to a drumming and poetry circle, a men's mythology group, a men's rights
group, a fathers-of-toddlers group, or whatever.
Perhaps you
don't already know the guys, in which case you may want to keep things more general
--or be quite specific, perhaps even using some terms like
"mythology" or "mythopoetic." The more specific you are,
the more you're effectively doing a pre-screening. This has its downside--you
may say something that would turn off a man who would otherwise be a great
member of your group.
Give only a
phone number, not your name or address, and invite men to call for further
information.
First
meeting
What you do at
your first meeting depends on who's in the group. If it's a bunch of men you
know, you may be able to plunge right in with ritual and a "program."
In most cases, however, it's a good idea to start out slowly. Here are some
first activities to get you started.
1.
Welcome
statement. Thank the men for coming and introduce yourself briefly. Tell the
group the purpose for the meeting.
2.
Check-in.
Go around the group and have men introduce themselves: name, what brought them
to the meeting, where they are currently with respect to the meeting's purpose.
Encourage the men to be brief and not to interrupt anyone.
3.
Opening
ritual. Obviously, this depends on the purpose of the group. But an opening
ritual can set the tone for the meeting and for the group. Ritual is pretty
much a wide-open area. It could include any of the following, and more:
·
Lighting
a candle
·
Burning
incense
·
Smudging
the room and the men
·
Reading
a poem, brief essay, Bible verse, etc.
·
Singing
a song
·
Moment
of silence
·
Brief
guided meditation
·
Saying
or leading a prayer
·
Inviting
ancesters to enter the circle
Ritual is very
important! It is a signal that your group has set aside a place and time
outside of ordinary, everyday places and everyday times. (This is sometimes
called sacred space, but usually without the religious overtones.)
4.
Ground
rules. Just a few "rules" will make things go smoother and prevent
misunderstandings (or worse). Just about any group could benefit from your
mentioning these:
·
There
will be no personal attacks, verbal or physical.
·
Men
will take turns talking, but no one should dominate the conversation.
·
No
alcohol or drugs may be offered or consumed.
·
No
man should arrive at the meeting under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
·
Radical
Freedom: There will be no pressure for a man to do anything he doesn't want to.
·
Any
sensitive personal information stays inside the group.
5.
Activity.
Do what your group was set up to do: Discuss the book, get out the drums, clean
up the neighborhood, view a video, plan an outing with your children, read some
poetry, and so on. You may find that you have to provide some kind of program
for this first meeting until other men are in a position to contribute. If
you're doing this with another man or two, you can do a dog-and-pony show to
get started.
6.
Miscellaneous.
You may want to plan a break, time for refreshments, general milling about.
7.
Processing.
If it's appropriate, you might get the men in a circle to share what they're
experiencing. Establish a time limit and make sure every man who wants to speak
has a turn.
8.
Contact
information. Be sure you have every man's phone number or e-mail address. Make
sure the men know how to contact you.
9.
Closing
ritual. Extinguish the candle. Read a poem. Have a moment of silence. Release
the ancestors.
Ongoing
meetings
Subsequent
meetings can follow the pattern of the first meeting, perhaps without the welcome
and recitation of the ground rules. The check-in can omit the names and
backgrounds unless you have new members.
Don't let the
meeting agenda turn into an orthodoxy. Remain flexible to new ideas and new
rituals. If a man comes up with a different way to do something, be inclined to
let it happen. At our most recent drumming and poetry group, a man asked if he
could lead us on a walking meditation. We all went outside and walked slowly
and silently around the grounds, contemplating nature's beauty and being
alone--and together--with our thoughts. We didn't read as much poetry that
afternoon, but we were performing poetry of a different kind.
Spreading
the word, welcoming newcomers
One sure way to
kill a group is to have a distinction between the old guard and newcomers.
Every new man should feel welcomed and a part of the group. Although there may
be men who do more of the planning and help lead the meetings, there should
never be a sense that there's an inner circle.
Resolving
conflict
In my experience,
conflict has rarely arisen in groups of men who meet with intention. But there
are some useful ways to deal with conflict if it arises. I've seen something
like the following used very successfully.
1.
If
two men are in conflict and anger--or worse--is erupting, stop everything.
Whatever stage the meeting is in, this is more important.
2.
Have
the two men sit down as you go over a few points before anything further takes
place. If one or both men can't agree to the steps, use your judgment: You may
want to ask one of the men to leave the group, at least temporarily, until
things cool off. Everyone--the men in conflict and the men in the group--should
feel safe.
·
Everyone
sits down except the two men in conflict. No one other than those two men may
say or do anything except witness what is going on.
·
The
men stand in front of each other, about four or five feet apart.
·
Each
man may choose another man to stand in back of him. This "backer" has
no role other than to be present. He says and does nothing.
·
The
man with the grievance speaks first. You may want to have him hold a talking
stick to indicate his right to speak. He states what his grievance is,
preferably in sentences beginning with "I": "I felt angry when
you ...." for instance. Personal attacks and speculations are forbidden
regarding the other man's ancestry, looks, ethnicity, motives, physical or
psychological state, morals, and so on. The grievance must focus on the facts a
specific event. The man may conclude by making a request of the other man.
·
The second
man listens and must say nothing while the first man speaks. When the first man
has finished, the leader takes the talking stick, if any, and hands it to the
second man.
·
The
second man has several options at this point. He may simply say, "Thank
you." He is under no obligation to explain or apologize, though he may do
so. He may ask for factual clarification. Under no circumstances is he to begin
a new grievance against the other man.
·
When
the second man is finished, the leader takes the talking stick (if any) and the
men sit down.
3.
Now
go through the steps. Don't rush the process. The whole thing may take anywhere
from fifteen minutes to an hour.
4.
If
possible and appropriate, immediately go on to the previous or next activity of
your meeting.
Scheduling
meetings
I've been to
monthy meetings, and I've been to annual retreats. Annually is not conducive
having an ongoing men's group; monthly can sometimes feel like a burden. The
drumming and poetry group I'm in right now feels about right at every six to
eight weeks. Obviously, it's up to you.
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notice
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materials are (c) Copyright 2002 by Tim Baehr. All rights reserved. All signed
materials are copyright by their respective authors.
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Tim Baehr
tbaehr@aol.com