I'm humbly
gratified by the responses I've gotten; thanks for your words of encouragement.
If you like what you've found here, feel free to forward the letter to other
men.
Here are a couple
of letters from readers, with minor editing.
Hey - !
I like the newsletter a
lot. I've been thinking about starting one myself - as a friend of mine and I
are about the business of forming a men's group in northern Virginia, about...an
hour outside of Washington, DC.
About mentoring in the
movies - Danny Glover does a lot of mentoring of Kevin Kline in the movie
"Grand Canyon." Great switch - to see a black guy mentor...a white
guy and help him find his way to a broader philosophy of life. (Tho in a way
they also sort of mentor/brother each other...because Kevin Kline helps Glover
open up to a new life of his own, which he's more or less been denying himself
because he's caring for his widowed sister and her kids.)
Thoughts about movements
in general - because I was involved in a really, really big one for about 30
years.
Movements usually get
launched by important events and/or charismatic figures. People rally around
fast. Most of them, out of curiosity. There's a lot of noise, attention,
motion. (The media comes sniffing around, analyzing, criticizing;
non-participants pick up the criticism and voice it to the participants. Here's
where one big source of the defection comes from.)
Many of the participants
- maybe most - came initially without much of a deep, pressing need. You
couldn't tell them from the participants who came starving, dying of thirst,
nearly dead, with no place left to go. The "idly interested" will
back off, once they've satisfied some of their curiosity, or ridicule and
criticism [have] wounded their egos. Or else they just close the inner doors
again and say, "Thanks, this is as deep as I want to go." They go around ever after joking about it,
with humor as their defense. "Yeah - ha ha - I used to go to those wild
man things. Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt."
Some - we can't forget
this - actually continue the journey elsewise - in therapy or by changing
careers and becoming what they were meant to be. So all is not lost - just
dispersed into good directions.
In any case, movements
"burn low"...
Here's the thing. Some
men, for whatever reason, are given to be the keepers of the fire. Theirs is
the energy of the sage or the priest or
the shaman or whatever your tradition would call you. We tend the small
campfires that are left when the mob is gone.
Eventually, whether the
"movement" rises again or not, another "generation" of men
comes along - guys who missed the first wave because they were inhibited or not
interested then... and also guys who have just never heard it was possible for
men to be authentically "working" on life together....
What does it matter what
the media says? What does it matter, if a lot of guys recoil in fear or lack of
interest? A lot of us - myself included
- somehow NEED to be here for the guys coming along now. It's how we keep alive
the fire that made us alive. Being touched by it again; seeing it ignite in
other guys.
As long as there are
men, there will be a movement toward authenticity among us - whether or not
there is a "Men's Movement."
Just some thoughts to
consider.
Thanks again, for the
great newsletter.
David Hazard
Round Hill, Virginia
##############
Regarding your essay,
"Altered Consciousness":
You say that you may have
left a few out of your list of causes for an altered state of consciousness. I
think you left out a real biggie - music.
Included in music would
be chanting and drumming, elemental in beating out time and useful for
establishing or reflecting a communal altered state....
All the elements of
music - rhythm, melody, tempo, harmony, range, lyrics, the infinite
combinations of voices and instruments - contribute most decidedly to altering
the consciousness of listener and performer alike.
This is a subject worthy
of a much longer treatise. But let me say that with any of the elements
mentioned above, and in any genre of music, there are moments that move us to
ecstasy. For me, it is anything by J. S. Bach, of whom it has been said he
never wrote a bad note of music, and any classical guitar music, original or in
transcription. Combine Bach and guitar, and I am truly transported.
What's your musical
equivalent? Heavy Metal, R & B, grand opera, country? Jazz, world music,
hip-hop? Beethoven, Beatles, Bon Jovi? Something musical, sooner or later, will
put you on a different plane.
How does music tie in
with the chatter, the toxic messages we all endure in our lives? How does it
counter the societal stereotypes men have of women, and women have of men?
To be entirely engrossed
in a musical experience, either as listener or as performer, shuts off that
little voice inside us, that critic that society or experience has placed
there. Secondly, that clarinet or violin doesn't know and doesn't care whether it
is a man or a woman who is blowing it or bowing it, nor would the listener know
without direct observation. And I defy anyone to identify the gender of the
composer of any otherwise unknown piece of music just by listening to or
playing the piece.
We can choose from many
thousands of musical selections and styles for our listening pleasure. In fact,
music is so ingrained in our consciousness that it has become a sort of aural
wallpaper.
But it isn't the music
we choose to play or listen to that informs us, really. It is our reaction to
it on an elemental level, not whether we like it or dislike it, but that it
moves us into an altered state of being.
I suppose, in the larger
view, that music is no better than the latest designer pharmaceutical, or any of
a thousand ancient mind-altering substances or practices. A more benign
yearning or addiction, perhaps. But in the moment, in the flow, the chatter is
stilled and we can just be with the music.
Once the music stops,
what are we left with? A greater understanding of human potential, an expansion
of our sense of self, an elevation of our appreciation for beauty, an
anticipation for the next time. And there truly is a stillness associated with
it.
It's an experience, this
stillness brought about by the universality of music, that transcends maleness
or femininity, or indeed youth or age or culture or ethnicity. True, music can
stir emotions and feelings, like patriotism or even sexual fantasies.
Superficially, it may alter our mood but not our consciousness.
Like the stillness of
awareness, active listening is hard. That altered state, that transcendence, is
rare; for the very act of conscious thought (Oh! I'm In The Zone!) immediately
takes us out of it, only regained if we're lucky by gently setting aside the
chatter and just being.
Whatever the discipline;
drug-induced, meditative, getting high on adventure, playing or listening to
music, anything to stop the chatter so we can listen to our selves, the world
is still out there, hammering away, trying to grind us down, whether it's
radical feminism, the control of women's lives by the Taliban, the Troubles in
Ireland, suicide bombers in Israel. It's the chatter of a toxic world, forcing
its views on us not only as men but as human beings.
Humanness is there, too,
fortunately, our not-so-bad parts blending with our undervalued good parts.
"Men are from Mars, women from Venus"? As one badge I saw read,
"Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it." Deal with
it not to level the playing field, but, like music that alters our state of
consciousness, to elevate us in appreciation of the genius that informs all
beings.
Tom Baehr
(Tom is a
musician and flute maker who lives in Putney, Vermont.)
If you've
followed the men's movement or read some of the Web sites from the previous
newsletter, you're probably aware that men face many challenges today. Just
looking at longevity statistics, the number of men in jail, the portrayal of
men in the media, and the inequities of divorce would indicate that something
is amiss. If we wanted to have a pity party about the stuff we face, we could
go on and on about male "victimization" by - uh-oh - mostly other
men.
Here's where
things get sticky. To the extent that society (and especially certain
feminists) lump us all together, we're our own worst enemies.
Having a
clearly defined enemy was essential to the feminist movement. Although many
women simply, and admirably, refused to be limited or put down, there was a
substantial number that felt they had to resort to legal redress in the form of
class-action lawsuits, lobbying for women-friendly laws, and so on. Their
opponents were mostly men, or institutions run by men. By identifying
themselves as victims, and often rightly so, women gained sympathy and got
results.
The irony is
that the same opponents are the ones who allow maternity leave but not
paternity leave; almost automatically award child custody to the divorcing mom;
laugh at men who are victims of domestic violence; think nothing of expecting
salaried men to sacrifice domestic responsibilities to career advancement
(women are catching up in this arena); and so on.
How do we mount
a resistance movement against an oligarchy that happens also to be a
patriarchy? When do we say, "I've had enough" and begin to take
steps? How do we "take steps" against what much of society sees as
our own brothers?
I don't think
the "victim" model will fly. At best, we'd be labeled as hypocrites;
at worst, cry-babies.
But I don't have
a definitive answer, either. I just think our approach may have to be quieter
and less public than what the women did. Here are a couple of places we could
start:
1.
Get
to know, and know about, other men. You're probably doing this already, or you
wouldn't have found your way onto this subscription list. Men who do this find
that they have much in common - their fears, aspirations, griefs, joys. Men who
understand each other can add cooperation to their competitiveness.
2.
Make
friends with women who like men. Sounds kind of stupid? Let's foster
friendships and deeper relationships with women who don't see us all as
potential rapists, sports nuts, or open wallets.
3.
If we
have kids, raise them with an appreciation of the strengths of both men and
women, and the great variety of abilities and temperaments we have. In the
ideal world, a girl grows up loving to be a woman; and a boy grows up loving to
be a man. And both loving and respecting each other.
4.
Realize
that the media and our mass culture isn't particularly friendly to any of the
first three points. Because of the vast amounts of money and resources at its
disposal, we have little hope of going at it head-to-head. (Besides, they're
mostly men, and we're our own worst enemies, etc.).
5.
Think
long. All of us - men and women - live in a world largely not of our own
making, a world that often co-opts some of our best inclinations and
commercializes it. (Remember the pseudo-feminist ads from Virginia Slims
cigarettes? A woman's right to get cancer like a man!) How can we co-opt the
world as it is now and slowly turn it away from its madness? Part of the answer
may be in how we raise our children.
6.
Think
short. Here are some things I wrote down nine months ago as possible responses
to the terror of September 11. The horror was real, and the terrorist thugs are
to blame. But there are also some aspects of our culture that seem capable of
destroying us from within or causing others to want to destroy us. These steps
are extremely modest, but maybe that's where we've got to start.
·
Buy
and bank locally. Keep money in our communities and not in the pockets of the
chain stores.
·
Buy
used. That way, you're not subsidizing the advertising industry and the
"novelty tax" we pay. Also, with careful buying, you often get better
quality.
·
Avoid
stuff from known polluters and exploiters. If you really need that SUV, fine.
But maybe you can afford a smaller commuter car for everyday use.
·
Practice
thrift: live modestly, reduce waste.
·
Pray,
meditate - do something that gets you in touch with the spiritual.
·
Live
healthy. Men need strength for their families and communities.
·
Volunteer.
Almost anything would do; it's as much for your soul as it is for the
community.
·
Be
zany. Tyrants and exploiters hate humor.
Notice that
these aren't necessarily men-only solutions. To the extent that we live in a
toxic environment, we all suffer. I have no doubt that many of the gains women
have made in the past 25 years have benefited all of society. Flip it around
now: anything that truly benefits men will also benefit all of society.
What are your
ideas? Do we men have it easy, and are men who object to exploitation just
whining? Are men really victims who need to sue someone for everything that
oppresses us? What do you think?
The Vulcan
blessing from Mr. Spock, "Live long and prosper," is something we
could wish for everyone. We could think of it as "Live long and keep your
health." What are the challenges to our longevity and overall health?
First, let's acknowledge
that there are challenges, and that many of them are male-specific challenges.
In the US, men's life expectancy is about 6 years shorter than that of women.
Violence is a leading cause of death among young men. Prostate cancer will be
diagnosed in about 189,000 men this year and will kill about 31,000. (These
figures, by the way, are very similar to the figures for breast cancer, with an
annual diagnosis rate of 180,000 and death rate of 41,000.) Some challenges
affect both men and women; for example, we seem to be in the midst of an
obesity crisis, with corresponding increases in type 2 diabetes, heart disease,
and so on. Even within this crisis, however, are some male-specific problems:
men tend to pack on weight around the beltline (as opposed to the hips); fat at
this location puts an extra strain on the heart.
Do you follow
the stereotype of men who don't pay attention to their health? When's the last
time you had a physical? Do you even have a regular physician? I know, it's
easy to sneer at the people, especially women, who seem to be obsessed about
their health. But this isn't about women; it's about us.
Don't Let
Your Prostate Leave You Prostrate
Prostate cancer
will hit one in six men (compare with the one-in-nine figure for breast cancer).
Other than raise awareness by finding a new color of ribbon to wear, what can
we do? Three are two main lines of defense: testing and life style.
The two tests
for prostate cancer are the digital rectal exam (DRE) and a blood test for
prostate-specific antigen (PSA test). What can a doctor find out by sticking a
rubber-gloved finger up your ass? The part of the prostate closest to your poop
chute may be noticeably harder or irregularly shaped if you have cancer. Your
prostate produces PSA throughout your life, and an abnormally high level could
signal the beginnings of cancer. If the doctor finds anything worrisome, you'll
have a biopsy - tiny pieces of prostate are cut out and examined under a
microscope.
Treatments for
prostate cancer range from surgical removal to "seeding" the prostate
with tiny radioactive pellets. Surgical removal is scary; it knocks you out for
several weeks and may leave you temporarily or permanently impotent. If you get
to this scary point, ask your doctor about special surgical techniques (one
involves borrowing a nerve from your ankle) that preserve potency. And there's
always Viagra.
Life style
changes can delay or prevent prostate cancer. Here are a few:
1.
Lose
weight. (I'll get to the obesity challenge in a minute.)
2.
Eat
tomatoes and foods with tomato sauce. One study showed a 23 percent lower risk
of prostate cancer with two servings of tomato sauce a week.
3.
Eat
foods with selenium.
4.
Avoid
overdoing zinc supplements.
5.
Move
your butt. Lack of exercise is implicated in increased risk of a lot of things,
including prostate cancer.
Fat or Phat?
Maybe you
haven't heard, or haven't wanted to hear: We're fat. About half our nation is
overweight and many are obese. The problem is growing (so to speak). Many
things have been blamed: television is cited as a major culprit (couch potatoes
don't exercise much, and they're subjected to a barrage of snack food ads).
Snack and "junk" food itself is blamed; one lawyer even predicts that
there could be class-action suits against junk food makers, patterned after the
tobacco suits. And then there's a lot of tsk-tsk-ing as if we've somehow lost
our moral compass.
Why should this
be important to men? One of the most important reasons is that we tend to gain
weight around the gut. Carrying fat at the beltline generates all sorts of
problems by generating chemicals that can lead to diabetes, heart disease, and
about 37 other diseases.
What to do? If
you're happy with the way you look and feel, maybe you should resist the
"thin is beautiful" media hype, and the stereotype of the hunky, not
chunky, male. Life's too short to be fussing over a diet. And if life's a bit
shorter on account of the fat, at least you will have enjoyed yourself.
If you're not
happy (c'mon, be honest), and it's not because the media has laid a trip on
you, then it might be time to do something. Your heart, kidneys, feet, back,
knees, and other parts of you will thank you - not to mention your bed partner
or your kids, who'd like to have you around for a while.
First, take
stock. Go to www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi and calculate your BMI, or Body Mass
Index. Over 25, and you're fat; over 30, and you're obese. (What's the
difference? If you're fat, you're 16% more likely to die of a first heart
attack. If you're obese, the number jumps to 49%. Other potential disasters
have similar spreads.)
Second, make a
plan. Since you're in this for the long haul (otherwise, why bother?), avoid
the fad diets. Or find someone who's been on Atkins, Pritikin, or the
all-grapefruit diet successfully for more than a year and follow his plan. Bet
you won't find one.
What works? The
Men's Health Belly Off Club (www.menshealth.com) seems to make sense. Weight
Watchers has a longer track record and a long-term maintenance plan, and it
involves eating just about anything you like. Over the years, Weight Watchers
has simplified its system tremendously. You no longer have to balance out foods
from certain categories every day. You do, however, have to be willing to sit
in a weekly meeting with (most likely) a bunch of chubby women talking about
water gain and PMS before their periods. Some centers do have men-only
meetings; check around. There's also a no-meeting Internet package
(www.weightwatchers.com). Plan on losing no more than a couple pounds a week;
any faster and your metabolism could slow down, thinking your body is in
starvation mode (it is!).
Hint: One secret of Weight Watchers is
that you write everything down that you eat. One study I remember showed that
this simple act alone led to weight loss.
It's very hard
to lose and control weight by exercise alone, especially after middle-age. But
exercise is a valuable component of both weight control and a healthy
lifestyle. It doesn't much matter what you do; the main thing is to find
something you're likely to stick with. Extreme sports, for instance: can you
see yourself doing them at 60 or beyond? Could be, but assess carefully.
There's nothing wrong with going from one demanding thing to another as you get
bored; but be sure you have something to go to. There's also nothing wrong with
lowering your activity level as you age or if you become injured. But you'll
have to adjust your food intake to match.
You don't need
tons of exercise. A daily 20-minute walk may do the trick. The idea is not so
much to burn off calories as it is to tone up muscles, increase overall
metabolism, and improve your mood. Add some strength exercise (weights,
isometrics, etc.) and you'll feel even better.
Hint: Guess what. If you mark exercise
on a calendar each time you do it, you're far more likely to stick with a plan.
Just like writing down what you eat.
Some good news:
Losing as little as 10 percent of your body weight - even if you don't get thin
- has significant benefits to heart, kidney, liver, and other functions.
Starting with a 10 percent goal is often less daunting than, say, having to
lose 30 or 40 pounds.
Why do all
this? Here are some side effects from my losing about 35 pounds: Better sleep -
pain-free feet - no heartburn - better sex - more energy - lower resting heart
rate (80 to 60) - lower cholesterol (220 to under 200). And, ironically, more
satisfaction from food. (Full disclosure: My real reason was ego-driven vanity,
not health concerns. Whatever works.)
Here's a more
cosmic reason: Doing anything with conscious intention may have wider effects
in how you approach other life challenges.
Finally, this
thought: If you're larger than life and like it that way, and if you and your
doctor think you're healthy, then think twice about buying into this whole diet
thing. I once knew a young man who was somewhat roly-poly but who moved
gracefully and was extremely athletic. I wouldn't have been surprised if he was
basically happy with himself and in great health overall.
Source: Much of the data from this article
is from the July/August 2002 issue of Men's Health Magazine. Well worth
reading.
Copyright
notice
All original
materials are (c) Copyright 2002 by Tim Baehr. All rights reserved. All signed
materials are copyright by their respective authors.
Personal
correspondence:
Tim Baehr
tbaehr@aol.com